5.16.03 privacy

My need for privacy overwhelms any urge toward disclosure, in matters both large and small. I do and feel and think all sorts of things that I would never write about, nor even discuss in person. In fact, I can state with some degree of accuracy that nobody reading these words actually knows that much about me, regardless of how long they have been in my acquaintance or how intimately involved in my escapades.

Most people who hang out with me find this infuriating. Unless they have told me a secret, in which case they are probably cautiously optimistic that I will not expose them.

I do tell the truth - and occasionally I shock people with information that I would categorize as obvious or trivial - but for the most part I am simply not interested in providing a detailed summary of my existence. And yes, I am aware that this stance appears contradictory given the fact that I have written a memoir (not to mention the existence of this journal).

If I could conceal more I would; for instance, in most of my published writing I have attempted to obfuscate details like the name of the town where I went to college. Mostly because that particular place has a specific meaning for many people, and using the word would distract from the point I was trying to make in a couple of essays. There are numerous examples like this.

Then there is also my (sometimes reckless) refusal to be affiliated with any organized group or institution, and a persistent belief that my actions do not define my identity.

Often this tendency is useful in pragmatic ways; it certainly contributes to my ability to skip through wildly disparate social situations. Other times my desire to keep secrets seems to be a pathological anomaly that should be discarded posthaste.

Doing so would at least improve my conversational range. I've been away to London for a few days to celebrate something I'm not prepared to talk about, and I'm off to New York soon to meet Gabriel and work on a top secret project. What is left to write about except a report on the (currently vile) weather? The fact that I've developed an allergy to my favorite sunblock isn't such a scintillating topic.

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