12.13.03 tethered

This morning I heard from a friend who told me that someone who has professed loathing for me, and demonstrated their ire in obvious ways, is now enthusiastically looking forward to reading my next book. Recently I heard from another friend that someone who was highly critical of my young self now tells all who will listen how much he always adored me.

I don't really know what to make of these reports. I maintain an almost fetishistic devotion to the concept of truth - even if the truth is uneasy or sad. I'm sure that whatever happened with these people was mostly my fault. I am a difficult, prickly, eccentric person. During the cancer years my sense of pride was the only thing that kept me alive long enough to make a series of profound mistakes. It has taken extraordinary effort to remain tethered to this world and act with decency. I do not expect people to enjoy my company.

But then as I sat here fretfully considering my dark past I read this post and remembered that it doesn't really matter. If people want to revise their own history and be friendly, I'm willing to accommodate this as a new truth. I bear no grudges precisely because I understand the inexorable reality of imminent death. I feel no ill will toward anyone, regardless of what they have done or said. It is foolhardy to care more about the past than the present.

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